I am not an open book.
That might come as a surprise to some of you, and to others, you may have noticed this about me already. I do not share a lot when it comes to my life, my emotions, or my opinions.
Sure, there are the surface responses:
“Oh, my day was good! I did this, this, and this, and I’ve had this one song stuck in my head all day.”
“Yeah, it was a bummer, but that’s okay.”
“Interesting. That’s cool!”
This does not mean I do not open up occasionally and share specific details, but for the most part, I keep my mouth shut unless someone asks.
And I think this is part of the reason why I have a dilemma with blogging. There are several other reasons why I feel this way:
- I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I think this is something a lot of people can relate with.
- I don’t want to be “wrong”. I want to be able to engage in healthy discussion; no part of me wants to write for the sole purpose of pushing somebody’s buttons. Yet, there is a 100% chance that someone on this earth will disagree with me on one topic or another. That’s just life, and I need to get over it.
- I don’t want to be perceived differently. How I act is how I want people to know me. I am kind, I am respectful, I am confident. If I really want to say something, I say it out loud so it feels raw and authentic.
- I don’t want people to know I struggle. Hi! I’m a broken human being with emotions and desires and temptations. I am a happy human being, but I am a broken, imperfect one.
- I don’t want to put my entire life on the internet. This is funny to me, because I love making YouTube videos and writing stories and taking photos, but at the same time, I don’t want to project so much of myself onto the internet and then have nothing private left for myself. It’s hard for me to find a balance, and sometimes I avoid creating anything at all because I don’t want to feel like I’m oversharing.
- I don’t want to make the internet my life. I don’t want to become obsessed with posting things on the internet, whether it be photos of what I did that day, a vlog of my week, or a blog post about my feelings. Likes don’t define my life, and I would like to keep it that way.
- I want to be genuine. Much of today’s argument surrounding the “evils” of social media is composed of “social media emphasizes fake lives” or “this is just his/her life through a filter”. While I have contrasting views about that statement, I agree that social media and the internet make it easy to highlight certain aspects of one’s life and hide the others. And while I don’t agree that this is always a bad thing, I don’t want to always post happy-go-lucky things because life isn’t a perpetual high (which goes back to the “I don’t like feeling vulnerable” point and the “I don’t want people to know I struggle” point, so you can see why I’m conflicted).
- I want to make a difference. Doesn’t everyone, in some way or another? I want to write/record/photograph and impact someone in some way. Even if the only person I end up comforting is myself, I’d like to count that as success.
- I want to create. Creating something each week is a pretty ambitious goal for me during the school year, especially since this semester has been insane around every corner, but I tend to get antsy and distracted if I ignore my creative right-brain for too long. Once a week shouldn’t be too hard, right? (*screams inside*)
- I want to grow. I am taking four writing classes this semester along with two other classes. The best part is that they are all different types of writing. One is persuasive theory, one is research-based, one is short story writing, and one is journalism. These forms of writing differ so drastically; sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself when I have a paper due in each class at the same time. But I am growing. Each of these classes is teaching me so much because of their hands-on structures. I hope to do the same thing with this blog and my YouTube channel.
These pros and cons fight in my head every time I think of a topic I want to talk about. I’ve told myself many times that I just need to suck it up and post, and I think this time might be the one when I actually start listening to myself.